Eli Switch and the Pillow of Ecstasy
by DippleoftheWilderness
Summary: Just like Harry Potter, a new hero has been chosen to save Hogwarts and the Wizarding World, Eli Switch. Now he must save the world with the help of three time travellers, the famous Time Warp Trio!
1. Chapter 1: The Entrance

Eli Switch and the Pillow of Ecstasy

It was a bright and sunny day at Hogwarts. In the Hufflepuff common room, a boy with amber hair to his shoulders was laughing loudly with his best friends. The three were all playing Mutant Football League and telling jokes about Slytherins and Gryffindors on the SEGA Genesis. They were Eli Switch, Cody Finnigan (Son of Ryan Finnigan) and Ryan Longbottom (Son of Neville Longbottom) Eli Switch was a friendly boy who loved animals and his friends and telling funny jokes. He never knew his parents and was raised by a Goblin and a Hinky-Punk who admitted him into Hogwarts. Eli was a Hufflepuff and a Third Year.

Suddenly, green mist poured into the Hufflepuff common room. Out of it came three little boys. ONe had a red button down shirt, one had a white t-shirt, one had a green t-shirt. One had blonde curly hair, one had black wiry hair and glasses, the last one had spiky blair hair and brown skin.

"Who are you?" Eli asked with a smile.

"Well...Um...I'm Joe" said the brown boy in the green shirt.

"Where are we, A Kid In King Arthur's Court?" asked the boy with the curly hair.

"No you're in the Hufflepuff common room" said Eli.

"Why aren't you in uniform?" asked Cody.

"What Houses are you from?" asked Ryan.

"We're from Brooklyn." said Joe. "And these guys are Sam and Fred."

"Why are you here?" asked Eli.

"To warn you! Marty McFly is coming here to destroy Hogwarts!" shouted Joe.

Eli's eyes raised.

"Who's Marty McFly?" he asked.

Joe cleared his throat and explained. Marty McFly was a muggle who used science instead magic to travel in time with a flying car, which Eli compared to Ron Weasley's flying car. He used to be a normal kid but one day he got the evil ring of Sauron and became evil. Before he could conquer the world, he would have to kill all the wizards, so he is coming to destroy Hogwarts.

"What do we do asked Eli?

"We go back and time to stop him!" shouted Joe.

The Green Mist began and the Time Warp Trio and Eli Switch dissapeared into the time stream.


	2. Chapter 2: The Treachery of Marty McFly

Chapter Two: The Treachery of Marty McFly

The green mist had teleported Eli Switch and the three boys from brooklyn into the Forbidden Forest.

"Oh no!" shouted Joe "This isn't Ancient Egypt at all!"

Eli recognized the spooky forest immeadiately. A shiver ran down his spine. As any smart Hogwarts student knew, you were never allowed to be in the Forbidden Forest, for fear of death.

Suddenly, the leaves rustled. Sam nearly jumped out of his skin.

"What was that?!" Sam screamed.

And to his horror, it was Marty McFly. He looked different then he usually did. His eyes were shadowy and scarred, and blood red. His hair was turned black and his skin was a deathly grey. His clothes looked pretty much the same, but instead of red, it was changed into a magic black that struck fear into everyone who saw it.

"Finally I've found you interlopers" he growled.

"You'll never find Mad Jack!" shouted Fred.

"And you'll never take over the world," cried Joe, "we have the Chosen One on our side!"

Eli pointed to himself with an odd expression, as if to say "who me?"

The corrupted Marty McFly gave a demented laugh. "He can't stand before me!"

And then...an atrocity happened.

From out of the bushes, burst a gang of goblins. They were dressed in shiny, polished buckled shoes, effete collars, and stiff jackets. Their ears were long and sharp, like switchblades, their eyes were beady and bored into your soul. It seemed everything about them was edged and elongated, as their fingernails were like thorns. But sharpest and longest of all, was their noses, frightening things shaped like rapiers. The goblins licked their serrated teeth and hissed in joy. Marty knew what was coming.

"Everybody down!" cried Eli, "they're horny!

Eli knew very little about sex, since sex education was not taught at Hogwarts, but he remembered his lessons on Goblins from his Defense Against the Dark Arts class. He knew that the only thing goblins liked more than gold was man ass-flesh. Suddenly, the pitter-patter of tiny buckled shoes rang out. The goblins swarmed Marty, running up to him in blinding speed, their little legs fidgeting like those on a millipede. In less than a second, Marty's jeans and boxers were down.

Eli and the Time Warp Trio had immediately ran away, far, far away from Marty and the gang of goblins.

As the time-traveler wailed in pain, the leader of the goblins stuck the erect crook of his nose deep into Marty's anus. The bridge of his nose slided down, stiffly and painfully, as the goblin's eyes seemed to contract, crowning just like Marty's hole. A hideous chuckle sounded in the Forbidden Forest as the goblin pushed forward and forward with his olfactory organ. Unlike penises, the nose could never ejaculate, so it just kept going on and on and on. After two hours and a half, the goblin tired, and an other took his place. After a puddle of feces-mixed blood and twenty-six hours later, Marty McFly was free from the torment of the goblins.

"I'll get you next time Time Warp Trio!" he vowed as he shook his fist.


	3. Chapter 3: Indiana Jones vs James Bond

The Time Warp Trio morphed into Victorian England. It was gloomy, with thick smoke stacks everywhere. Sad, dirty children wandered the streets. Evil men in tophats glowered looking for a new child to steal.

Eli screamed in horror. He had never time-travelled before. The green mist was too uncanny for him, and made him very uncomfortable.

"Let's never do that again, my little friend" said Eli to Joe. This irritated Joe, but Joe was much younger, so understood why he was called that.

"Quick!" said Sam, "look over there!"

There was a familiar figure in the marketplace. Buying a meat pie, was Mad Jack, Joe's evil uncle. He was constantly trying to conquer the time-space continuum, and was in no doubt in cahoots with Marty McFly.

Fred bum-rushed him, tackling him to the ground, spilling the meat-pie all over the oily cobblestones. "Nyyaahhh! You little bitch!" Mad Jack cried in horror. "

You're not hurting anyone anymore!" cried Joe in anger, punching Mad Jack in the face, drawing blood and teeth.

"Not today, fool!" shrieked Jack. He used his time-turner to teleport away to the top of a nearby house. Out of his hourglass staff, he shot a beam of emerald light. It sparked and ricocheted alongside the cobblestones.

Eli blasted his wand: "Expelliarums!"

Mad Jack's staff flew out of his hands. "Curses!" he cried.

Suddenly, out ofo nowhere, blood spurted from his throat. A scimitar beheaded Mad Jack. Behind him was Indiana Jones, his fedora and chest covered in blood.

Indy pointed his revolver at the Time Warp Trio and Eli Switch. "

Don't move anywhere" he said in an eerie voice "I need that book."

"Who put you up to this?" asked Eli. But sadly, he already knew.

Indy's eyes were red, his skin clammy, and his lips and tongue black. Sauron had gotten to him.

Suddenly, a shot rang out.

A handsome man in a white tux with a rose in his pocket aimed his silenced Walther PPK at Indiana Jones.

"The Time Agency sent me friends, go on without me!" said the handsome man. It was James Bond.

The Time Warp Trio time travelled with Eli to Ancient Egypt, while Indiana Jones and James Bond squared off. They both shot at each other, but they avoided each other's bullets.

Indiana tried to use his scimitar, but Bond's martial arts training got the best of them. They were graplling and stuck together. One persevered, then the other.

They were in a standstill.

Suddenly, a ventriloquist dummy burst out of flame, like a demon from hell. From out of it's eyes, nose, and mouth sharp blades came out. They pierced James Bond and Indiana Jones' throats, and pulling their hearts out of their chests. In their horror, the dummy revealed who he really was: Freddy Krueger in a nightmarish illusion!

Meanwhile in Ancient Egypt, the sweltering heat dazed Eli's head and caused sweat to bead from his bow. It would be a long journey home.


End file.
